Yes*. There was a time that your parents came together in dating or marriage because there was something that they not only liked about each other but they loved each other. Part of their deep pain now is the love that they had for each other in the past. When people love each other and give themselves to another person it is a beautiful and powerful thing. When that relationship is broken the grief and pain are also powerful.
CS Lewis has a powerful story. You might be familiar with his writings in The Chronicles of Narnia or Screwtape Letters. There is a movie about his personal life story called Shadowlands. It seems like a tragic story of love lost but it is also a story of a beautiful choice to love. He says, “The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That’s the deal.” If there was never happiness, there would be no reason for pain.
In the current hurt and anger walls are easier than allowing more room for hurt. This does not mean that they didn’t love each other or even care about each other in the past. In fact, their current hard hearts might be the result of a deep love they had for each other.
*I understand that I am writing from my own life and experience and that not everyone is coming from the same situations. Some marriages begin due to convenience or perhaps even arrangement. I don’t want to gloss over your own situation with a simple statement that maybe your parents’ relationship is different.
My main point here is that as a child of divorce, we want to believe that we were created in love. That our parents wanted us and that they loved each other when they came together to make us. That is not an irrational desire. It is the natural order of things.
The problem is – It is not always the way things work out. But their actions towards each other as they divorce and after does not mean that there wasn’t a time when it was different between them. But love is a verb. It should not only be presented as the warm and fuzzy feeling because warm and fuzzy are not always present and life is challenging. We are going to talk more about love and defining it in the next few questions.