Was it my fault?
What could I have done to save it?
Did my parents ever love each other?
Why can’t they make it work?
Why is my family not helping?
Why is the church not helping?
Why isn’t anyone holding them accountable?
Why are their hearts so hard?
Will my heart be that hard?
Am I doomed to be divorced as well?
Will I find someone that will love me?
Will I find someone that won’t leave me?
And how can I trust anyone if I can’t trust my parents?
Do my parents still love me?
Do I have to choose a parent?
Why doesn’t my parent want me?
Why are they so prideful?
Is money really worthy of losing a spouse, a family?
Why do they put me in the middle?
Why do they hate each other so much?
Why do they say mean things about each other?
All of these questions are questions that I have processed and I’m sure that if you are reading this and you are a child of divorce that at some point you have an asked all or several of them.
First Question – Is it my fault?
First let me say this it’s not your fault it’s just not.
People are sinners and we live in a fallen world and divorce as a result of broken relationships it’s not your fault. There’s probably not anything that you could have done to change it or to fix it, and guess what, it’s not your responsibility.
I remember as a little girl with the divorce of my biological parents there were times that I wondered if I had been too much stress on the relationship and maybe it was my fault I remember later on in college one of my younger half brothers struggled greatly with feeling like it was his fault that our dad and his mom, my stepmom, had gotten divorced. And then there are other times that you just wonder, “Could I have done something different?” “Did I cost too much stress on their relationship?” “Is there something wrong with me that caused them to argue?”
But I want to tell you, Child of Divorce, that it is not your fault. Your parents divorce was not because of you.
Even recently a friend was divorced and her child asked the same question and what I wanted to say again to her is that it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault that your parents have made decisions that have affected their relationship and unfortunately as a child of divorce we get to deal with the consequences of their bad choices and honestly that sucks and so I just will come here commiserate with you for a minute and let you know that I understand how badly that stinks it is no fun to deal with the consequences of your parents broken relationship. It’s no fun.
Next question What could I have done to save it? Nothing as a teenager or as college age student and even as an adult. I asked this question multiple times. Not so much as a child because I didn’t know enough at three and five to ask those questions but as an adult I wondered what could I have done. “Could I have encouraged?” “Could I have loved?” “Could I have done anything different?”
In my case, they made choices to end their relationships based on either their hard hearts or other factors that played into it and it wouldn’t have mattered what I had done.
Next question Why is Family not helping? Honestly this is a hard one. I do not have the answer for this. I sure wish that I did but there were definitely times in all of my parents divorces that I look back and think why is our family not participating and walking with my parents in these decisions?
My biological mom and dad were like 20 and 21 when they got divorced. Really?!, Like you’re just beginning to figure stuff out and they both were children of divorce and they were protecting their hearts because their hearts have been broken and so they weren’t going to be hurt but nobody in their life stepped in and said wait let’s work on this. Let’s figure this out together. Fast forward and as an adult I can look back and see that no one was close enough to really see the issues. It is messy to be involved in someone’s life and they have to give you the right to speak into them.
So this is my lesson for you Child of Divorce, don’t try to walk it alone. Keep solid friends around you. Your spouse ultimately but it is healthy for you to stay in close touch with the people that love you, family and friends, so that when you have questions and doubts you are not alone trying to fight the fears and lies. You need truth tellers in your life and you need to be humble to hear what they have to say.
Next question – Where is the church? All of these people in my life and it didn’t matter whether it was Baptist, Presbyterian, or Lutheran. The denomination was a relevant when it came time for these people to go through a divorce. Only one pastor that I know of, in 4 different divorces, really stepped in and said can I walk through this with you. I know that it is because we are broken and we are afraid to get messy with people. We are afraid to let other people see our mess. Church if you’re reading this, please step up, if you see somebody hurting and in a potential divorce – for the Love of God – Jump In. Child of Divorce, plug into your church, be in relationship with people in your church so that it is not hard when the difficult times arise.