Traveling on a plane in Feb of 2024, and the guy next to me asks me what I am working on. Surprisingly, I told him, a book about being a child of divorce. The lady on the other side of me asks me to explain it a little more. I shared a little and it opened the door to two conversations.
The lady has been married for 30+ years. Her kids are grown and left the house. She stayed married though she was unhappy for many years. She said that she made the choice to stay married so that she could keep her family together. She didn’t want to split the kids. Her husband was a good father and provider but she was unhappy. She decided that it was more important to her that her kids had a solid home and two parents. She does not regret this decision at all . She did it for kids and would do it again. It’s what moms do. She said that she married young and didn’t know what she didn’t know, but she wasn’t willing to give up her kids or split them so she chose to stay in a marriage that was unfulfilling.
Why do we expect our spouses to meet all our needs? THEY CAN’T. They were not meant to meet our needs. Only God through Christ and the Holy Spirit can do that. There have been so many times that I wanted my husband to….. Love me enough, tell me I’m beautiful, tell me I’m worthy, plan a date, read my mind, understand my needs, be my satisfaction. He can’t. He is human and he messes up. And thank goodness he is not expecting me to meet his needs – because do you know what? I would surely fail. I was not made to meet his needs. Are we good together? Yes! Do I love being married to him? Yes! Am I blessed beyond what I deserve? Yes! Does that mean that he alone can make me happy – NO! Can I alone make him happy? NO!
I see a pattern in so many divorces including my parents divorces, friends and other family. People get married because they are in love with someone and they think that person makes them happy or that person completes them. Not true. Sure those feelings feel good. And yes we can be in love with someone, but marriage is a covenant between husband, wife and God. Not an expectation to be filled up by that person. Only the One that created you, knows how to fill that space in your life and when we expect someone else to do it, we are putting expectations on them that are not fair. They will fail.
The guy on the other side of me said, “that’s a good thing you are doing. You should keep doing it.” He is a child of divorce and recently experienced his own divorce after 30+ years. I asked him if he thought his parents divorce affected his own relationship. He first said, “No. It had nothing to do with my divorce. My wife was unfaithful. After 8 years I couldn’t do it anymore.” Then he paused and added, “Maybe it did affect our marriage. I wasn’t open in our relationship.”
How are we missing this? We are so hurt as children of divorce and we think that it is not going to affect our relationships because we are adults and we have “moved on”. But we close ourselves off so we don’t get hurt and then don’t understand why our partner doesn’t want to be with us anymore.
The last thing he said before changing the subject – “It just really sucks to have to start all over again.” I don’t know all the things he meant by that but my guess is he means one of the following things.
I am alone again.
I have been betrayed again.
I have to heal again.
Will I be able to open up next time?
Will my heart be broken again?
As children of divorce, we ask these questions over and over. No matter what the hurt was in our lives. Our parents divorce, our own breakups sometimes just living through a broken relationship with a friend can send us down this road again.
I wish I had said – There is a good God and He loves you and He will not break your heart. He is worthy of your trust. He will accept and approve of you. In fact, in the ultimate picture of love He gave himself up for you so that you could be in a relationship with Him.