This last bit of news and ah ha of my dad coming to understand his actions and apologizing to my mom has brought lots of thoughts. I feel like a 5 year old again asking,Why God? Why didn’t you fix it for their sake? Why didn’t you fix it for me? Why did they have to suffer through a divorce? Why did my mom have to question her worth as a wife for 45+ years? Why for the sake of my brothers and my 1st stepmom? What if my mom and dad could have made it work – what would life have looked like to have parents that stayed married? Why did I have to be the one to work through breaking the cycle of divorce in my family?
All the while I am asking some of these same questions again the Lord has been chasing after me.
About a year ago, before my dad went to counseling and found this PTSD event revelation, I began making a list of “so that’s” in my bible. As I studied, I would highlight and mark in the margin every time I ran across the words “so that” in the scriptures. I filled a notebook page on both sides and moved to a little notebook with a long list of God’s reasons.
“So that” is the answer to the question. Why did God command the people to follow His law? So that they would live well in the land and be a witness for His glory. Why? So that…..
The irony of the timing is not lost on me. I can see that God began answering the questions before I asked them. And even if I don’t have a specific answer for a specific time in my life, He is telling me that He is sovereign – that means that He knows and He has a plan for His glory and for my good.
Recently, in worship we have sang these lyrics…
“His goodness is running after me” – Listen
“He will hold me fast” – Listen
“I don’t know what you are doing but I know what you’ve done. I’m fighting a battle you have already won.” – Listen
Realization – The Lord used divorce in my life and my desire for a relationship with a father to show me who He is and that He has always been the provider that I want and need.
We will feast in the house of Zion is another song that we sing and it is my hope that when we sit at the table and feast we will weep no more. – Listen