As I share my goal of writing this with my family I get unique responses. You see it is not just my story. It is our story. I am sharing my perspective but it is not just my story. I want to protect my family even those that are no longer in contact with me. Some of the story is painful as it is in any broken relationship. Today, my dad called and said, “I have been thinking about what you are writing and I want to offer to be of service. If you have an opportunity to speak into these young people and you need me there let me know. We live far apart but we could set up a zoom or something.” When he read my first draft he was a little defensive and wanted to tell his side of the story so that i didn’t think he was all wrong. He said today that he has been thinking about it and he wants to be part of the healing. He wants to be an encouragement to others that have experienced the same thing I have. He also wants me to heal. I told him that I really appreciated it and that desire is part of the reason I have found healing and now strength to write and encourage others.
We are a family that is broken. We are scattered across the country. Remember I grew up going from Tennessee to California to visit my other family. They all still live there and I am still in Tennessee. Thanks to the internet, phone calls and fairly cheap airfare we are able to stay connected but the biggest thing that keeps us connected is a desire to be in each other’s life. A desire to push through the pain caused and heal the relationship.
We are a family that is broken but it can still be good.
My kids actually think it’s great that they have so many grandparents. More presents at birthdays and holidays! In our case, and I know it is rare, it means more people to love my kids and me. This is because they, all my parents (mom, dad, stepparents), have made an effort to be in relationship, to forgive each other, to put their pride down, to put us kids first.
In conclusion for now I want to offer some hope for you and share a story of delayed healing.
God is a generous and relentless God who is jealous for our attention. Healing can come many years later – like 48.
This week, Nov of 2024, my dad called while my mom and I were driving. Remember they separated when I was 3 and were divorced shortly after. I am 50 now. My dad proceeds to tell us that he is going to counseling and has something he wants to say to her specifically.
He served in the Air Force when they were married and currently the VA is helping him deal with some sleep apnea. In the process they suggested he go see a counselor to process his nightmares. He witnessed the aftermath of a tragedy in the summer of 1976 and it has haunted him all these years.
He told my mom he was sorry. He recognizes that shortly after that tragedy he began pulling away from her. He closed himself off and she never knew why. He was protecting himself by shutting her out and maybe protecting her by not giving her details. She knew something was different and questioned her own value. They were separated not long after that. They were 20 and each a child of divorced parents.
I have believed my whole life that it is because they were so young and had not dealt with their own family history, that it was easier for them to get divorced than stay together. I questioned God as you have seen already as to why they couldn’t get through it, or where was their support system etc.
Yet, I believe that God is still working in both of their lives and healing the past trauma for each of them. Even 48 years later! I was blessed to hear my dad tell my mom that he is sorry. It doesn’t change the events that have happened, but it does provide some balm to the wounds.
God is a generous and relentless God who is jealous for our attention and satisfaction. He does not desire for us to live in angst with one another. In fact, His good plan is for us to be a blessing to another to reflect His love for us. Sometimes, we have to get out of our own way and while that can take a really really long time it is not impossible and I believe it is just what He wants.
Dear Child of Divorce – Where are you putting your trust?