The short answer is yes. For your good and for His Glory. I know this is not what you want to hear. Let’s look at this together and see why.
Believe me I know that it feels safer to not forgive that parent. The hurt and anger have become a safeguard to keep you from getting hurt again. You might be thinking,
“If I forgive my parent for the way they hurt me (or my other parent) then that means I have to have a relationship with them and they might hurt me again”.
Or maybe
“If I forgive them then it takes away from the severity of what they have done to me (or my other parent). It’s not as big of a deal if they can just walk away forgiven”
“It’s not fair to forgive them – look at what they have done – they deserve for me to be mad and angry at them”
“They do not deserve forgiveness”
“They don’t deserve a relationship with me”
“They really hurt me, I am justified in being angry and hurt, even God is angry when His people don’t love him”
You are not wrong for thinking these things. You are not alone in thinking these things. You are not bad for wanting to be angry and stay in it. It is normal. Keep reading.
I have shared that my first parents divorced when I was a little girl. My dad was not present in my life from really about the age of 3 until the summer I turned 10 besides a couple of short visits. As I said before I was so excited to finally have a dad and family that I jumped in and soaked up every second. Until I hit teenage years.
At the age of 15 I realized that I was jealous. I would go to California every summer and every other Christmas and watch my dad love my brothers and my stepmom. And while I loved being a part of it and enjoyed my relationship with my brothers, I began to process the hurt of the abandoned little girl.
Where was he when I was learning to ride a bike or learning to read?
Where was he when I needed him as a little girl?
I let this build up for a few visits and didn’t even realize it until the summer I turned 16. I had been dating this really great guy but broke up with him because we were getting too close and I was afraid he would break my heart – so I broke his. I didn’t realize what I was doing until later that summer. I had become bitter and angry with men. I didn’t trust that this sweet boy would still want to be with me. I mean my dad didn’t so why would he? I began to realize that my hurt and anger had been paused. I pushed it down so that I could have the relationships I wanted but it was still there. I had not dealt with it and it affected my current relationships. It was safer to not let anyone in. It was safer to hold on to the anger and hurt. It was a pretty wall of anger. I even decorated it with images of justification and pretty little flowers.
I was packing and preparing for my trip to California and I was so angry. I remember sitting on the plane and thinking – how can I even talk to this man – my own dad that didn’t want me and now he wants everything to just be fine? He wants me to act like nothing’s wrong and that it’s ok that he missed my early childhood.
Have you ever been so angry that you can’t think, or formulate words? That you can’t see straight? Well, that’s how I felt. I thought, “I can’t look at him when I get off this plane and we have a 3 hour car ride together before we get home and oh and the rest of the summer. I’m going to explode!!!!! AAAAHHHHHHHHHHH What the H****? This is not fair? Why?????”
Well, we made it home. I think it was a late night flight so I didn’t have to talk much. The next morning he came into my room to wake me up and I just exploded on him. I asked him all the hard questions…
“Why did you leave us?”
“Why didn’t you want me?”
“Why didn’t you choose to live near me when you came back to the states?”
I was a bawling mess. I was angry. I let it rip. I mean ugly red face cry – making a scene. Of course I was a hormonal teenage girl so he could have just chalked it up to crazy hormones. But he didn’t. He sat down and he listened. He let me vent. He let me explode. He let me berate him. And then he just cried. He teared up and just sat there. He didn’t have all the answers. He couldn’t change the past. I was holding onto the hurt from 12 years ago. What could he do?
My stepmom came into the room with all the commotion. She was going to school for her masters in counseling so there was an extra element of trust with her. We had a good relationship and I was willing to hear her. She played mediator very well and helped us process. It was a real blessing to have her there. It wasn’t perfect after that conversation but it was the beginning of forgiveness. It was another step of my healing.
Having this hard conversation was therapeutic. I needed to say all of the things. I needed to communicate the hurt and pain he caused. I needed him to hear it. He was a little shocked. He didn’t understand my perspective. He didn’t know how much I wanted to know that he always loved me. His eyes were so big and so hurt. He was more wounded than I expected.
He said he was sorry. And it was helpful. But the truth of forgiveness is that it doesn’t depend on whether or not he was sorry. I could have easily walked away from that conversation still angry. Still hurt. His words did not change the past. They did not change the fact that I cried for a daddy as a little girl. By the world’s standards I would have been justified to still hold a grudge. And if I did then he would have less of a chance to hurt me again in the future.
The work of forgiveness comes from a different place. Processing the hurt and anger is part of the journey and in my case I had the opportunity to do that face to face. But honestly the work had already been going on. The Lord had already been teaching me about himself and His love for me and most importantly hear His forgiveness.
That spring I had been in the book of John and summarizing what Jesus did for us as I prepared for a mission trip. His taking the place of my unrighteousness humbled me to know that I could do nothing to deserve the love of the Father to give His son to death for me yet He did it anyway. He chose to forgive whether or not I was willing to say I’m sorry. He offered it first. Me saying I’m sorry doesn’t determine whether or not God chooses to forgive me.
In the same way, my dad saying he was sorry didn’t determine me forgiving him. I think it helped him receive forgiveness just as our repentance helps us receive God’s mercy.
The Lord calls us to forgive. And thankfully He gives us some instructions on how to do it and how to live.
“12 Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, 13 bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.14 And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. 16 Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. 17 And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them. 20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.22 Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters,[f] not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. 23 Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, 24 knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ. 25 For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done, and there is no partiality.” Col 3:12-25
Paul spends the first half of this chapter talking about Christ and how to set your mind on him. He gives some very specific examples. Some of which are easy but many that are very difficult, including forgiving those who have wronged you. He reminds us subtly in verse 13 that we are to forgive as the Lord has already forgiven us. If you know Christ as your Savior then you know that He forgives you without you deserving it. Without you saying sorry first. He forgives us for our good so that we can have a relationship with him. *If you haven’t trusted Christ reach out and let’s talk.
When we forgive it allows us to release the hurt and anger and let the peace of Christ rule in our hearts. And this is for His glory because he desires to be in relationship with us and to bless us with His peace and presence.(vs 15)
I had a friend say once, “It’s ok for me to hate that person and be angry with them. Look at what they did, I don’t have to forgive them, I don’t have a relationship with them so it doesn’t matter.”
But it does matter. When we sit in anger and hurt, it festers inside of us. It spills into our other relationships. It affects the way we see the world. It affects the way we see ourselves and it affects the way we see God. It hurts us. It steals our peace. It bubbles up and sometimes bursts wide open in other areas of our life that we don’t expect. It is self-righteous. It is selfish.
Ugh – I said it. It is not what you want to hear. You are called to forgive as you have been forgiven and it is for your good and for His Glory.
When you are able to receive forgiveness from the Father, you begin a relationship with Him and He gives you His Holy Spirit to help you do these hard things. He will help you forgive the parent that left. Then you can begin to forgive, and let go of the hurt and anger and allow the peace to rule. There is no room for anger and peace.
So the best news I have for you on this question is that you do not have to do this alone. Honestly, I’m not sure you can and God doesn’t want you to do it alone. That’s why he gives you himself through Christ and the Holy Spirit and that’s why he gives us family, friends and the church.
There are also so many great resources. Keep poking around here and you will find them.
Steps to forgiving
Recognize the hurt and anger
Confess it – even just yourself and the Lord. With the person if you can. Punch something
Pray – ask for help
Let go – let a balloon go
Keep some boundaries – forgiving doesn’t mean you condone it
Take time to be thankful for how you have been forgiven and the ability to forgive