Today I am celebrating my 26th wedding anniversary. This feels like a huge accomplishment. I have now surpassed my parents in their longest marriages and I have officially been married for more than half my life.
It may seem weird to celebrate those things but coming from a child of divorce that question of will divorce happen to me lingers and pokes its nasty head at the most difficult times.
If you come from a family where divorce was not part of your background you likely will not understand our fears and questions. And honestly we are blessed by your lack of experience in this area.
My husband has been blessed with parents who never divorced. He is an only child and well-loved. He grew up secure in knowing his place in their family and home. He had a home. Just one place that he needed to identify and grow up in.
Before we were married, he traveled with me to California and, of course, met my local families. He met all my siblings – half, step, and even estranged. He met most of my extra grandparents and even my ex-stepmom, who continues to treat me as her own.
He didn’t understand, but he accepted it and was still willing to marry me!
I wondered before we married if I deserved a husband who didn’t come from a divorced family.
I wondered if I were lucky enough to find a man with married parents, if he would understand my struggles, and if he didn’t, could he still love me?
After 26 years of marriage, I can honestly say that his lack of understanding has been a blessing to me.
It’s not that he has not been compassionate. He is and has been. But that is different from having the same experiences and relating to the same fears.
Remember the story of our first big fight? (you can read it here) I was trying to divide the furniture and he thought I was completely crazy. Thank goodness he wasn’t coming at it from the same point of view!
A dear friend asked me to write from our point of view – to explain what we need as children of divorce from our spouses, who thankfully, just don’t get it.
So here goes
We need you to show up.
Stay present in the relationship – even when we pull away.
When you see that crazy look of fear in our eyes – or we fly off with some crazy talk…
Tell us that you are there and that you are not leaving.
Tell us that you will be there when we are ready to talk.
Tell us that you love us.
Tell us that even though you can’t fill our needs and you don’t understand that you are still willing to sit and love us in the midst of our fears.
Remind us that we are not our parents.
Tell us things that you love about us – be real. We know good lies.
Sit beside us.
Hug us or hold us if we will let you.
Let us cry without talking. And bring us a tissue.
Pray for us. Pray that we will be satisfied by the good and faithful God who created us and loved us enough to give Himself for us. Pray that we will find our home and peace in a relationship with God, and not depend on you, a counselor, or anything else to fill that hole.
You can’t fix it. But you can be present and be part of the healing. You can show us what it looks like to love when we don’t deserve it.
Figure out how your spouse receives love – his/her love language and do those things. Not because you are trying to win points, but because you want them to know how it feels to be loved.
Expect the fears and doubts to come back. But don’t let it scare you off. We are a work in progress.
In my own experience, I have quickly reverted back to that young child at times. Other times, I felt the questioning again as a young college student. I am sure there is some great research about reverting back to the age you were when the traumatic event took place.
But with a solid person in our life to remind us that we are not defined by that anymore, we can more quickly recognize those fears and hurts and lay them down to move forward in our current relationships.
Again – keep showing up. Pay attention. Let us melt, pray, and remind us that you are there.
The only reason that I can write any of this as encouragement is because this is what my husband has done for me.
I can’t tell you how many times I have needed him to look me in the eye and tell me that our story is different, that he is not going to leave me. That just because it has happened to a parent or friend does not mean that it is going to happen to us. He has prayed for and over me. He held me and let me cry. He has let me sit and ask all the WHY hard questions. He has encouraged counseling and friends. He read my story, gave me feedback, and reminded me of the healing things from our lives together. He has been a blessing to me. I am forever grateful.