Their hearts are so hard because they have gone into protective mode. It is a normal response when we are hurt, to put up walls and defend ourselves. No one wants to continue to be rejected and hurt so we close off the feelings and thoughts that we have so that the person that we trusted and loved can’t hurt us anymore.
Instead of being rejected and being hurt, a natural defense is to begin to reject and hurt.
I was too young to see this in my first parents. As a young teenager, I loved getting to spend time with my dad again. I found that my mom and my dad had so many things in common. I was trying to understand why they had gotten divorced. And then again when my dad and first stepmom divorced, I tried to understand why. They had things in common and had genuinely liked and loved each other. I witnessed it. So why then did that like/love change to a hardened heart?
Self Defense is the best way I can understand and describe it. I have seen it in other divorces.
Recently, as I walked with a friend, it was almost tangible. She was so hurt and grieving over her husband’s request for a divorce. For months she prayed and sought the Lord to change his heart. She didn’t desire the divorce. She didn’t understand it. She was completely heart broken. Her children were confused and heart broken. He was unmovable. He pushed forward with the divorce and as he did so her hurt turned to anger and distrust. It was so evident that her defenses were on high alert. The walls came up as the anger set in as a way to protect herself. She went from praying for reconciliation to wanting to get out of the house. To not ever see him or have to talk to him again would be too soon. To have her children have a good relationship with him would be too hard. Because it hurt too much.
It’s not that they didn’t love each other. They did and they worked hard in the past to raise children and be a team. So now that one of them has decided to leave the relationship the natural defense is to harden the heart. The thought is – “Now he/she can’t hurt me anymore”
As a child in the midst of a divorce it is hard to not feel torn and want to take a side. You love both of your parents. You want to protect and be with both of them. You are probably asking these next questions…
Why do they hate each other so much?
Why do they say mean things about each other?
Why are they so prideful?
My answer is because they are trying to protect themselves from more pain. They are angry and hurt even if they ask for a divorce. In fact, by the time a spouse asks for a divorce they have already hardened their heart. They may have already felt rejected in this relationship or even in the past, and out of fear of being hurt again they are going to get out. And unfortunately though they are protecting their hearts from future pain, the unintended consequence is that they are dragging us through the pain and teaching us to build walls.
When I was in college and going through the 2nd divorce of parents, I decided that it would be easier to not be in deep relationships. I shared about this briefly in my story at the beginning. My professor/counselor pushed into my hard feelings and asked why I was angry. He gave me a couple of tangible things to do to put names on my feelings. A book was shared with me that I share with others frequently. In fact, if i could just include the whole book here that would be great so please check it out. It is called the Wall – you can find it here on Amazon – put it in your cart today!
The idea of the book is that we build a wall of protection around ourselves when we are hurt and for a little while it feels good. It is quiet and safe. As that safety clicks in we add another stone onto the wall and higher and higher it goes. Until it is so high we can see over it anymore. And no one can see us. It is safe and quiet.
Too quiet.
After a time it becomes lonely.
But the fear of being hurt keeps us from letting go of the bricks in the wall.
I shared this story with my professor. He suggested that I take index cards and give the blocks in my wall a name. So I returned to my dorm room and wrote words like Anger, Hurt, Distrust, Pride, Sarcasm, Fear on cards and stuck them to my cinderblock wall. I saw them every day. Over time I began to pray to ask the Lord to help me let go of each block. Slowly, over time He worked. And as I began to feel the anger go away I would move the card from one side of the window to the other. It then became a goal. To ask the Lord to heal my pain and to trust that He would. To move all the blocks from the “protection” side to the “released” side.
Now let me be honest – there were times that I had to take the card off the healed side and put it back on the “to be worked on” side of the wall. It is so easy to pick up that anger or fear again and let it rule.
But as I began to allow healing, God did some amazing things. He brought other people and His Word into my life in a way that enabled more healing.
It was a really great exercise. Maybe because I am a very visual person but sometimes we all need something tangible to help us through the healing.
As a married adult there have been times that those fears trickle back in. It is a work to recognize those bricks in my wall. To not pick them up and rebuild the wall. More on that later.