This is a hard question for sure. Sometimes it feels like it’s not that they can’t but they won’t.
It is hard work to be in a relationship. It is hard to trust someone with your heart, finances, and life etc.. It is often easier to build walls of protection but then the walls are too hard even for the builder to climb over or see around. (read this for a visual)
As a young married woman there was a brief time when my mom and dad were both single again. My dad came to visit for one of my daughters’ birthdays and I tried to connect them. I think I actually sent them on a dinner date. I know it sounds crazy but I like both my mom and my dad and at one point they liked each other. This was like 35 years after their divorce but they still have so much in common. My childish little girl heart thought – “hey maybe this is a time of redemption and they will hit it off and see what they liked about each other and restore their relationship, and I will be validated with parents that are married and love each other”.
Well, it didn’t work according to my plan. They had a good dinner and some laughs but they didn’t fall madly in love again and decide to remarry.
In my personal situations, I do think that several of my parental relationships could have made it work. I am a glass half full kind of person in case you haven’t figured that out yet ;). But they didn’t.
It can feel like they won’t, not that they can’t.
There are so many other pieces to the puzzle that we can’t see or understand.
It may be that one parent has tried really hard and the other is past their point of trying. As a child, it is hard to watch a parent give up on their marriage to your other parent. I can’t possibly know or explain all the reasons that parents get divorced or why it feels like they can’t stay married. I have walked with enough friends and parents to know that there are often outstanding circumstances such as unfaithfulness or addiction that bring an end to a relationship. One parent may even try to a point of their own demise – giving and forgiving until they are physically and emotionally affected negatively. They tried so hard but the other person in the relationship didn’t.
Marriage takes both people being intentional to keep the relationship healthy at the same time. It is not easy.
But child of divorce – hear me say that while your parents were not able to make it work, this does not mean that you are doomed to a failed marriage or that your spouse will not stick with you to stay married. God has a good plan for a man and woman to come together to compliment each other in relationship and to procreate for His glory. He is intentional about pursuing us and He wants us to be intentional about pursuing Him first and then others – including our spouses.
See question about satisfaction.