So the last few months have been exhausting. I thought that writing this was meant to be an encouragement to the young fearful woman that I WAS. That by sharing my struggles maybe the Lord would use me to draw someone into a deeper relationship with Him because I believe and trust that is what He wants – a relationship with each of us and He uses His people to bring others to himself. It was His plan with the Israelites and it continues today. I still trust that.
But this is hard. This is exhausting. I didn’t want to walk through it again. As my dad is working through counseling and PTSD it has brought up old feelings and questions and not just for me. Also for my mom. And he cares enough to keep asking how she is handling it all. Sometimes I don’t have the words to answer. Partly because I know it is a painful process for her and partly because she is the one that needs to answer. I don’t know – I was only 3-5 when all of this happened. I see how the failure of their marriage has affected her and to replay some of that is just hard.
Over the holidays while I was visiting my dad I found a note that my mom had written to my dad just before their divorce was final. She says that she is still confused about what happened and why. That the first years of their marriage were the best of her life and she hopes that he will remember that time with fondness as well and if he ever figures it out to tell her. Haha well here we are 45+ years later and there is something. An event that made my dad shut off the world around him including his wife and kid. Maybe it was out of protecting us. But then she felt rejected and was determined to not be hurt the same way her mother was broken hearted so she didn’t push. He left for England to serve his time in the Air Force and she didn’t go meet him. He didn’t send for us in time that seemed reasonable to her. Either way they didn’t fight to make it work. The walls of protection were already too high.
My dad came to visit. He and my mom had some sweet time to connect and just process. I sat with them at the table and my dad prayed over lunch for the three of us as we held hands. We took a picture together. They laughed about good times and tried to process the timelines. They were 20 with no support – no real family around them when the trouble started and no one close enough even in their church to hold them accountable enough to say – “hey, do you need some help here”. They were both young, independent and afraid of being hurt. I still think it was easier to build the walls and let the fear take over than to process. And based on their recent conversations I don’t think they had the skills to do it alone. I don’t think my dad knew how that event affected him.
He and I were texting recently about another family member that we love and he says….
“Fear of Failure drives so many people to hesitate on making decisions and by the time they do, the train has passed them up three stops ago.
I’m so happy I didn’t ever have 2nd thoughts in the least to want to be your Dad. Besides being in Love with your Mom (as a wet behind the ear 17 year old) I never ever considered not to marry her. Your Mom has helped me to remember that the two of us were actually engaged prior to knowing you were that tiny white butterfly spirit speaking to me by the water fall. I appreciate that she has helped me to fill in those timelines. Our distance from England to the USA and the events that occurred between us most likely erased what great things occurred prior to you becoming our child. OMGosh, sorry to lay that out for you dear daughter. It is what it is. Love You!!!”
FEAR IS A LIAR! I’ve said it before and feel like I should play that song on repeat. I can feel the strings pulling through the scabs so that the scars are not so lumpy. I thought the scars were healed over but this process has brought back some of the pain. It is a healing pain but still it stings as I cry out –
Why?
Why couldn’t they have made it work?
Why didn’t someone step in to help them?
God why did you let that happen?
I know and here are some of the answers…
If so, would I have trusted Him the way I do now?
If so, then we would not have my brothers and sisters in our lives.
I can’t begin to understand the ways of the Lord.
I can’t wait to get to heaven and ask all the questions.
I trust that He is good.
He is running after me.
He is gracious to me.