Honestly this is a hard one. I do not have the answer for this. I sure wish that I did. But there are definitely times in all of my parents divorces that I thought “Why is our family not participating?” or “Why didn’t their parents or aunts and uncles speak some wisdom into their mess?”
My first parents were 21 when they separated. Really they were just beginning to figure stuff out. They were both children of divorce and they were protecting their hearts because their hearts had been broken, so they were not going to be hurt. But nobody in their life stepped in and said “Wait, let’s work on this. Let’s figure this out together.”
I wish I had been old enough to ask those mentors in their lives. I know my first parents were without parental voices in their lives in their early 20’s. Both had lost a parent as an adolescent and their living parent on both sides was distant and dealing with their own pain.
Fast forward to divorce of parents as an adult. Why didn’t the family step in earlier with a couple of the divorces and say “Wait let’s work on this together, let me help you figure this out.”
I have watched friends go through hardship in marriage and divorce over the past couple of years. And I have seen some survive and work through their hardship and others unravel.
One friend had to deal with infidelity in her marriage. It was a struggle and so hard. They had two small children. She did not want a divorce and neither did he but it was a part of the conversation. They had people close to them in their lives that they trusted and listened to. These people spoke truth, wisdom and the way of forgiveness into their lives. And do you know what? They pushed through the pain and brokenness. It was not easy. There were lots of tears and times of wonder of could they forgive each other and move forward. The infidelity came to an end. The issues took a long time to work through. But they didn’t have to do it alone and thankfully they didn’t. They had family, counselors, pastors, friends that spoke into them and they listened. They allowed God to heal the wounds. It is a precious gift to see their photo together now.
I have also watched friends going through a divorce and the family takes a side almost immediately. Honestly, it is hard not to. If someone you love is told by their spouse that they no longer want your loved one it is only natural that your first response is questioning the sanity of the one who has rejected your kin.
I have experienced this personally. It is hard to not see the rejection of your loved one as an assault and to help build the walls for your loved one so they don’t get hurt and maybe as a protection over yourself as well. Your grandparents may have the best intent in protecting their child as they take a side. It is the natural response.
Working through the pain to heal the relationship for the sake of the covenant is hard work. It is hard for both the married couple as well as the family around them. It is messy to be involved in someone’s life and they have to give you the right to speak into them.
So this is my lesson for you Child of Divorce, don’t try to walk it alone. Keep solid friends around you. Your spouse ultimately but it is healthy for you to stay in close touch with the people that love you, family and friends, so that when you have questions and doubts you are not alone trying to fight the fears and lies. You need truth tellers in your life and you need to be humble to hear what they have to say.
If you are that family, as a child of divorce I would like to ask you to put your thoughts and feelings aside and try to treat both parents fairly in the midst of the divorce. If nothing more, do it for the sake of the kids in the divorce. They need your undivided love.